THE FUNNIEST JOKES IN THE WORLD

 A blonde went to the doctor. She said to the doctor, "Everywhere I touch myself, it hurts". The doctor told her to touch herself yourself, so she did, "ouch" said the Blonde. I see the problem said the doctor, "Your finger is broken."

Two cannibals were eating a comedian when one says to the other, "Can you taste something funny"?

Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?

 Because when he tried to make a second one he made a boo-boo.  

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick

Put it on my bill.

What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck!

What do you call a man playing pool with a pint of beer on his head?

beartrix potter.

Why was the Cyclops a bad teacher.

 Because he only had 1 pupil

 Why was the Egyptian boy worried?

Because his daddy was mummy.

 Why did the tomato blush

 Because it saw salad dressing

How do you know when a clock is hungry?

It goes back for seconds!!!

 How do you make a handkerchief dance?

Put a boogie in it.

JOE: I feel over twenty feet last night.

TEACHER: Goodness me weren't you hurt.

JOE: No - I was just trying to get to my seat in the cinema.

TEACHER: If you found five pound in one pocket and ten pound in the other, what would you have?

WILLY: Somebody else's trousers on.

Why did the lobster blush?

Because the seaweed. 

What do Cannibals do at a wedding?

Toast the bride and groom. 

Why was the mushroom invited to lots of parties?

Because he was a fungi to be with.

What do you call a vicar on a motorbike?

Rev.

 

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Reg.

 

What do you call another man with a car on his head?

Jack.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Dug.

What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

Douglass.

 

Why did the fly fly?

Because the Spider Spied Ďer.

What bird is always out of breath?

A puffin. 

What bird can lift the heaviest weight?

A Crane.

Four tortoises were playing poker when they ran out of beer. They pooled their money and sent the smallest tortoise out to fetch the beer.

Two days passed and there was no sign of the tortoise. "you know, Tommy is getting really slow now days", said one of the tortoises.

A little voice from just outside the door said, "if you're going to talk about me I won't go".

 

What do you call two thieves on a washing line?

A pair of knickers.

What do you call a dinosaur with piles?

Megasawass. 

Mr. Brown: I havenít seen your dog lately.

Mr. Green: No, I had to put it down.

Mr. Brown: Was it mad?

Mr. Green: Well it wasnít exactly pleased.

What's pink and hangs out your boxer shorts?

Your mum on washing day.

How many men does it take to change a loo roll?

Nobody knows because it's never happened yet.

Mummy does God use our bathroom?

No darling, why do you ask?

Well, every morning Daddy bangs on the door and shouts, Ďoh god are you still thereí.

 

Boy: (howling) A crab just bit my toe.

Dad: Which one?

Boy: How do I know, all crabs look the same. 

How long will the next bus be?

About eighteen foot.

Mr. Jones was sprinkling some white powder outside his front door.

"What's that for", asked a neighbour.

"It's to keep the aliens away", replied Mr. Jones.

"But there aren't any aliens here", said the neighbour.

"I know", said Mr. Jones, "Good stuff isn't it".

Every night my wife covers her face in a mud pack and puts her hair in rollers. "Does it help?". "a little. But I can still tell it's her".

What do you call a fly buzzing about in a dumb blonde's head?

A space invader.

Doctor Doctor Ė I canít sleep at night.

Just lie on the edge of your bed and youíll soon drop off. 

Teacher: Why do we some times call the middle ages the dark ages.

Betty: Because they had so many knights.

How do blonde brain cells die?

Alone.

Richard: Would you punish someone for something he didnít do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Richard: Thatís good. I didnít do my home work last night. 

 

How does a Hollywood wife pick her nose?

From a catalogue.

Traffic Policeman: When I saw you driving down the road, lady, I said to myself, Ďsixty at leastí.

Lady driver: Oh no officer itís just the hat makes me look older. 

Should you stir your tea with your left hand or your right hand?

Neither you should stir it with your spoon. 

Customer: Iíd like some poison for mice please.

Chemist: Have you tried Boots?

Customer: I want to poison them, not kick them to death. 

Charlie: You're looking miserable.

Joe: I've just got back from the doctors and I have to take 1 tablet everyday for the rest of my life.

Charlie: That's not so bad.

Joe: He only gave me six tablets.

Rodney and Bruce were best friends and went to the fairground together. Rodney went on the Ferris wheel. Unfortunately there was an accident and the wheel went crashing down to the ground. Bruce dashed over to a dazed Rodney and said, "are you hurt, Rodney".

"Yes I am", said Rodney. " I went round three times and you didn't wave once".

Customer: Iíd like to try that dress on in the window.

Assistant: Iím sorry, madam, Iím afraid youíll have to use the fitting room like everybody else. 

Customer to Bank Manager: How do I stand for a £10,000 load?

Bank Manager: You donít, you kneel down and grovel.

 

How can you tell if a man is lying?

His lips move.

A lady took her husband to the doctors complaining that every morning he woke up singing the green green grass of home. then after dinner he used to sing Delilah over and over again.

"oh dear", said the doctor, "it's an extremely contagious illness called Tom Jones- itis".

"Is that rare?", asked the lady.

"Oh no", replied the doctor, IT'S NOT UNUSUAL".

What did the Gas meter say to the fifty pence piece?

Glad you dropped in I was just going out.

Estate Agent to young couple: First you tell me how much you can afford, then we have a good laugh about it, and go on from there. 

Would you like to come to my party on Saturday?

Yes, Iíd love to. Whatís the address.

No. 4 New street, just ring the bell with you elbow.

Why canít I ring it with my finger?

Youíre not coming empty handed are you. 

Policeman apprehending a burglar: Anything you say may be held against you.

Burglar: Melinda Messenger, Pamla Anderson, Miss World. 

Dentist: What sort of filling would you like in your tooth?

Little Sophie: Chocolate please.  

 

"Mummy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time ...?

"Not all, Your father usually starts by saying, The Train was late again..."         

How many letters are there in the alphabet on December 25th?

25 because thatís the day we say no-el. 

What sort of lighting did Noah use on the Ark?

Flood lighting.

What does D.N.A stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

Daddy Bear, arriving home from a walk: Who's been eating my porridge?

Mummy Bear: Who's been eating my porridge?

Baby Bear: Forget the porridge. Someone's nicked the video.

A horse walked into a pub and the bar man said, "why the long face".

The horse said can I have a pint of larger and a .........................................  packet of crisps. The barman said, "why the big pause".

Another man walked into the same pub with a big black and white checked flag. The Bar man said, "I hope you're not going to start something in here".

One day two flies ran into each other in a pile of vomit.

First fly: "Hello mate, I haven't seen you around for ages".

Second Fly: "No, I've been off sick".

A nun went into a pub collecting money for charity. A darts match was going on, so she stopped and waited. The player threw the first dart and hit double 20. The second dart also hit double 20. But the third dart missed and hit the nun in the head. The Compare shouted, "One nun dead and eighty".

 

A young boy arrived home with an armchair under each arm and a settee over his shoulder.

His father said: " What have I told you about taking sweets from strangers".

Three little potatoes were talking to their mother. 

Potato 1: when I grow up I am going to marry a King Edward.

Mummy potato: That's good, you can't do much better than a King Edward.

Potato 2: when I grow up I am going to marry a Jersey Royal.

Mummy potato: That's good, you can't do much better than a Jersey Royal.

Potato 2: when I grow up I am going to marry Jimmy Hill.

Mummy potato: You can't do that ... He's just a common-tater.

 

What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?

Divorced.

Where do whales get weighed?

The Whale Weigh station.

What has the Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas and the perfect man got in common?

They are all make believe.

A man walked into a pub with a small puppy. One of his mates asked him what the dogs name was.

Man: "Carpenter".

Mate: "That's a strange name why do you call him that".

Man: "Because he does a few jobs around the house and then he makes a bolt for the door".

How do you make an Irish man laugh on Friday?

Tell him a joke on Monday.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

What's the difference between a girl and a supermarket trolley?

A supermarket trolley has a mind of it's own.

A pair of glasses go up to the bar in a pub and the barman says' "I'm not serving you, your off your face".

A man is rushing around in the morning late for work when the phone rings. he picks up the receiver and after a short pause says, "I don't know this is not the weather centre". His wife shouts through, "who was that love?". "A wrong number darling, just some idiot wanting to know if the coast was clear".

Two lumps of sick walking down the road one says, "lets take this short cut". "How do you know this" asks the other piece of sick. "I was brought up around here".

On my way into work this morning a woman driver deliberately tried to confuse me. she indicated left and turned left.

Which sense does a sick person lose?

His sense of touch, because he doesn't feel very well.

How do you make your sisters eyes light up?

Shine a torch in her ears.

How do you start a bear race?

Ready, Teddy, GO!

Why does a squirrel swim on it's back?

To keep it's nuts dry.

What's the best way to catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut.

What do you call a crazy blackbird?

A raven lunatic.

What animals use nutcrackers?

Toothless squirrels.

What's black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin that is rolling down a hill.

What's black and white and laughs? The penguin that pushed it.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila.

Why was the sand wet?. Because the sea weed.

Why is 6 afraid of 7, because 7 ate 9.