THE GROAN ZONE

What type of a home does a turtle have?

A "mobile" home.

If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey, what would Delaware?

I don't know, Alaska

ONE DAY MY FRIEND WAS PUTTING MAKE-UP ON HER FOREHEAD AND I ASKED HER WHAT SHE WAS DOING? SHE SAID SHE WAS TRYING TO MAKE UP MY MIND!

Why was Adam 's first day very long?

 Because there was no Eve.

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

Ash

Ash who?

Bless you

Why do golfers where 2 socks?

In case he got a hole in 1.

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the Shell Station

Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken? 

A: It was a chicken.

 Why did the orange stop at the road?

Because he ran out of juice.

A little boy asked his teacher one day, "Teacher

do you punish people for things they don't do?"

The teacher replied, "No". The little boy said, "Good, because I did not do my homework".

IT'S TOUGH GETTING OLD:

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old

sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penny and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He gets up early morning and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground,

brewed coffee."

I said: "Well, then why are you crying?" She said: "He makes me home-made soup for lunch and my favourite brownies in the afternoon."

I said: "Well so why are you crying?"

"For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite desert."

I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

Which room dose the skeleton hate? The living room.

 Santa, A smart blond, a dumb blond, and the Easter

Bunny see a penny on a road. They all try to get it.

Who gets there first?

The dumb blond because the others don't exist!

What do you say when you walk into a bar?  

Ouch!

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and Ships.

What's the best way to communicate with a fish?

Drop it a line.

How many weeks belong to a year? 

Forty-six. The other six are only Lent.

How does an intruder get into the house?

Intruder window.

Do mountains have ears?

Yes, they have mountaineers.

What's the difference between a night watchman and a butcher?

One stays awake and the other weighs a steak.

What do you give a sick lemon? 

Lemonade.

What do you flatten a ghost with?

A spirit-level.

What did the barman say when the ghost asked for a drink? 

"We don't serve spirits".

How do you get into a locked coffin?

Using a skeleton key.

Where do American Indian ghosts live?

In a creepy teepee.

What did the grateful vampire say?

Fang very much.

How do you make a Witch itch?

Take away the 'W'.

Why are graveyards popular places?

People are dying to get into them.

Where do you find giant snails?

On the end of giant's fingers.

OPTICIAN: Have your eyes ever been checked?

PATIENT: No they've always been blue.

What did the crook who stole the calendar get?

Twelve Months

What's the difference between a church bell and a thief? 

One peals from the steeple, the other steals from the people. 

Why did the bank robber saw the legs off his bed?

Because he wanted to lie low.

What do you call a detective in a bubble bath?

Sherlock Foams.

How do you make a bandstand?

Take their chairs away.

 Sheep: Do you know the national anthem ?

Boy: No can you sing me a few Baas!

What did the Spanish farmer say to his chickens?

Ole!

What's the smelliest game in the world?

Ping pong.

Why are babies good at football?

Because they are expert dribblers.

What's the difference between a bad wrestler and a bad electrician?

One loses fights, the other fuses lights.

If you have an umpire in tennis and a referee in football, what do you get in bowls?

Goldfish.

What ring is square?

A boxing ring.

Why does a golfer carry two pairs of trousers?

In case he gets a hole in one.

Why was the chicken football match dirty?

There were too many fowls

Why was Cinderella bad at football?

She kept running away from the ball.

How do you start a flower race?

Ready, Steady, GROW.

How did the ghost get to spain?

On a scare-oplane.

Why did the boy fall apart on the last day of school?

Because he had just broken up.

What is a hens favourite television programme?

Hatch of the day.

If two's company and three is a crowd, what is four and five?

Nine.

Grandad: are you a good student?

Willie: Yes and no.

Grandad: What do you mean?

Willie: Yes, I am no good.

Who led 10,000 pig up a hill and down again?

The Grand old Duke of Pork. 

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the ark hives.

Why didn’t the worms in Noah’s Ark go in pairs?

Because they went in apples.

What's the funniest motorbike in the world?

A yamahahahahahahahahahahaha.

What do pigs use on their spots?

Oinkment

Why did the Banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling very well.

What exams do farmers take?

Hay Levels.

What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge? 
Close the door, I'm dressing! 

How do you make a Mexican chilli? Take him to Lapland.

What do you call a one legged woman? Eileen.  

Q:What did the babycorn say to the mothercorn?

A:Where is popcorn.

Did you hear about the big fight on the London train today? 

The conductor punched hundreds of tickets.

What's the penguin's favourite aunt? 

Aunt-Arctica.