DOCTOR DOCTOR

 Doctor! Doctor! I keep on lying.

That's not true!

Doctor! Doctor!  My eyesight is going!

I’m sorry sir, this is the post office!

Doctor! Doctor!  I feel like a cat!

How long has this been going on!

Ever since I had kittens!

Doctor! Doctor!  I’ve only got 59 seconds to live!

I’ll deal with you in a minute!

Doctor! Doctor!  I feel like a needle!

Yes, I see your point! 

Doctor! Doctor!  I’m really nervous. I’ve never had an operation before!

I know how you feel – I’ve never done one!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a five pound note.
Go shopping the change will do you good!

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps being rude to me.
Get out of here you silly fool!

Doctor, Doctor I think there's two of me.
One at a time please!

Doctor, Doctor will you help me out?.
Certainly, which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a bird.
Well, perch yourself there and I'll tweet you in a minute!

Doctor, Doctor I've swallowed the film out of my camera?
Oh, I hope nothing develops!

Doctor, Doctor I have a terrible problem. I keep stealing things.
Have you taken anything for it!

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory.
When did this happen. 
When did what happen!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a goat.
How long have you had this feeling. 
Since I was a Kid!

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing striped camels.
Have you ever seen a Psychiatrist? 
No just striped camels!

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting smaller.
Well you'll have to be a little patient!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then!

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible
Who said that?

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm.Let's hope nothing develops.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ‘till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this ?
Ever since I was a puppy !

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out !
Certainly, which way did you come in ?

Doctor, Doctor my little boy has just swallowed a roll of film.
Well lets just wait and see if anything develops !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start ?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon !
Well sit still and don't stir !

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out ?

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop !

Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog !
Sit !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad !

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well.
That's quite enough out of you !Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there !

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking ?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them ?
They keep slipping out from under my arms !

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish
Poor sole !

Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch !

Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift !
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor !

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish !

Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up !
Just simmer down !

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ?
I never make rash promises !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
I see your point !

Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad ?
Well, I ouldn't start watching any new soap operas !

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy !

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar !
Have you taken anything for it ?

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a telephone.
Well, take these pills and if they don't work then give me a ring !

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around !

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running ?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up !

Doctor, Doctor I've got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm turning into a frog
Your just playing too much croquet !

Doctor: You need new glasses
Patient: How do you know ?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window !

Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it ?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties !

Doctor, Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing.
I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that !

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction !

Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar
Well I can't believe that !

Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?
Absolutely nothing !

Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there !

Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in
What about a matchbox !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a python
You can't get round me just like that you know !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker !

Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
So why did you come around then ?
Well, I saw this light at the window...!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder
Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it !

Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake
Sleep in another room then !

Doctor, Doctor I've a split personality
Well, you'd better both sit down then !

Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible
Which sister ?

Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a yo-yo
Are you stringing me along !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire
Necks please!

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone
Are you choking ?
No, I really did !

Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do ?
Saw the legs off of your bed !

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel
That's shocking !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm
How boring for you !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit
Will you get out of my hair !

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy ?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about !

Doctor, Doctor I've broke my arm in two places
Well don't go back there again then !